The Mockingbird

Review: Jubilee (2009)

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 21:46:00 +0000

Doug Rao's second short film perfectly captures the reality of modern underclass Britain, and the political forces that are taking tenuous hold in our society. Patrick Baladi is pitch perfect as Nick Bright, the "new" face of the "Patriot" party, with Sam Spruell as Phil Walker, the foil, a man utterly at sea with the "modern" message of the party. As they work their way around the estate, Bright encounters a beautiful young Asian woman from his past; an encounter which throws into question his whole philosophy.

Rao's script cleverly avoids cliché and packs an emotional punch. Their fundamental differences drive the two protagonists further apart and their journey overspills into violence. Yet even his revulsion at Walker's Neanderthal tactics does not change Bright's own course, and he ultimately rejects his earlier apparent change of heart.

As writer and director, Doug Rao is clearly one to watch for the future of British cinema.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1515840/

Exercise? Moi?

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 16:43:00 +0000

Those who know me well, know that I am a large and somewhat un-co-ordinated female who really isn't great at exercising. I set out with the best of intentions, but life always gets in the way. Or, rather, I let it.

Which is why buying a yoga dvd would appear to be yet another one of my starts liberally coated with good intentions.

Okay...I do have to admit that there is a certain degree of "fan" curiosity in learning more about yoga. It is no secret that my two favourite characters from "The Bill", were DS Stuart Turner (played by Doug Rao) and DC Jo Masters (played by Sally Rogers), and personally speaking, I was somewhat gutted when Stuey departed for "Specialist Trafficking".

Nor is it precisely a secret that, in addition to his considerable acting talent, Doug also finds time to be a writer, director and producer and a yoga teacher. So it should come as no surprise that he decided to make a yoga dvd with his dad, Sam.

Sam Rao is a yoga teacher of international repute. It becomes clear why as soon as you start to get into the section on the various postures and demonstrations of them; he exudes a calm, quiet authority which is very reassuring – particularly if you're like me and apt to forget right from left in moments of stress. The explanations of the postures are all very clear and concise, and the demonstrations simple to follow. The classes are well put together and relaxing, and again it's all very easy to catch on.

Sam and Doug create an easy, relaxed atmosphere, and clearly enjoy what they are doing as they offer their viewers the obvious health benefits.

I am somewhat of an authority on the exercise vid. Over the years I have bought an awful lot of them. Very few are as easy to follow, as concise and clear as the Rao dvd; and (most refreshing of all) there isn't any high-pressure stuff. No wild claims that overnight you will drop ten stone, wriggle into that size eight Herve dress that you had in your wildest dreams and score a date with James Bond.

"Ah, but, " I can hear you say, "she's just another nutty fangirl..."

I should at this point, scotch the fangirl thing. I'm a writer, and my tongue spends a lot of time in my cheek. Aside from my own novels, one of my specialities is arcane fanfiction... most of which visits all matter of indignities upon DS Stuart Turner's person. Stuey was just so easy to send up...it's irresistible, really.

Anyway, I digress. The dvd is excellent. Easy to follow instructions, relaxing atmosphere, attractively packaged and put together and very professional. Well worth the outlay.

www.samraoyoga.com

WTF?!?!??!?!?!

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 19:12:00 +0000

*** SPOILER TERRITORY FOR WATCHERS OF "THE BILL" ***

Okay... I have now officially moved from mildly irritable to really peeved. What the heck are the producers doing to TB?

I get the new gritty storylines and more explosions... (not with any real feeling of joy that's for certain) and I get the concept behind the 'new dynamic', honestly I do.

But watching the exodus of good characters, leaving us with the pretty but dumb ones is really, really irritating. Now they appear to be sidelining experience and gravitas for no other reason than an impression that pretty and young appeals to their audience?? (If I'm wrong about this... Producers please tell me so...)

TB's audience is not entirely composed of teenagers... the more I read about actors leaving and being sidelined, the fewer reasons I can justify to continue watching into the new post-watershed.

Producers... TB has spent the last almost three years getting back on track, please don't throw the baby out with the bath water!

Authonomy.... A New Kind of Disaster!!

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 10:27:00 +0000

As many of you know, I joined this site months ago, and I've been more or less happily plugging my books ever since. It was an odd kind of place, there was a sort of concensus on behaviour, and dispite folks' inability to hold their tongues (and occasionally their liquor) it all bumbled along reasonably pleasantly. Or as pleasantly as you can expect from a collective of people whose favourite thing is essentially a solitary endeavour.

Then along came a young man with a book, and a fanbase for something completely different. All hell broke loose. The young man's fans shelved his book in their thousands. The old guard were (perhaps justifiably) annoyed by this. Then apart from some serial moaning (from both sides of the arguement), things appeared to settle down a bit.

Until now.

I've held to one criterion only ever since I joined. Would I buy the book? If I would I shelve it, and comment on it. If I wouldn't, I either say why, or pass on by. Simple. It works for me.

This morning, I saw I had a new comment. Oooooh goodie... I thought. I was doomed to disappointment. It wasn't a new comment at all, what it was, was a five line bleat about how another reader/writer had used his high talent spotter ranking to artificially manipulate the system to keep the young man's book out of the top five, so this guy was doing the same, and would I shelve his book for ten minutes. Oh and by the way I should split my blurb into two paragraphs.

I did hit all four walls at once. I know exactly what he can do with his high TSR... I'm more than happy to do it for him... with a poker! In theory my parents brought me up to be a lady, so convention prevents me expressing myself in the precise terms (actually neatly provided for me by my blacksmith!) that I would like to about this guy's past, his present and suffice to state, if I did catch up with him, his future would be brief, and exceptionally unhappy.

Out of extreme interest... what exactly did this joker think was going to happen? That I would fall down and grovel and be pathetically grateful that he noticed my book at all? If this is the kind of BS that's going to happen, Authonomy is broke. Irretrievably.

Pardon for the outraged rant... but I felt the need to vent! I'm not the only one that received the message and the backing... It almost tempts me to go and back the young man's book, even though I read it and didn't like it, and have already told him that I wouldn't buy it.

YEAR ZERØ

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 08:48:00 +0000

The Man Who Painted Agnieszka’s Shoes is the first Year Zero project. Here you will find the Year Zero manifesto.

The problem

The Factory: agents, editors, media arbiters of taste, publishers. A chain of filters that takes raw fiction, cuts it, sells it on, cuts it again until the street product peddled to readers is weak, toxic, and addictive.

YEAR ZERØ exists to eliminate the impurities and deliver prose in the pure and raw.

Pushing the boundaries of substance through new technologies, YEAR ZERØ provides prose just as addictive, in many cases just as toxic, but with a powerful, instant high that will stay with you for life.

YEAR ZERØ is not an industry. YEAR ZERØ is not a group of writers. YEAR ZERØ is not a set of beliefs. YEAR ZERØ is an approach to culture.
Culture is the breath we suck from• each others’ lips.

Culture is not alive. Culture is• life.

Readers and writers, like all• producers and consumers of culture, cannot exist apart from each other. They exist only insomuch as literature flows between them. Inasmuch as The Factory exists to separate readers from writers it exists only to bring death, to create ghosts and hollow men.

Culture speculates; culture takes• risks; culture hijacks every human artifice and structure in the name of life.

YEAR ZERØ exists as a conduit for this process.

We are not YEAR ZERØ. We are some of its voices. You are its heart.

We are, among others: Garalt Canton, Larry Harrison, Dan Holloway, Annia Lekka-Blazoudaki, Gupter Puncher

Books.
On June 1 we will be releasing “Brief Objects of Beauty and Despair”, a quilt of prose patched together from all our writers

Our first novels will be released on September 1, 2009, with further releases following quarterly.

‘Benny Platonov’ by Gupter Puncher.
Benny Platonov will save the eight-hundred and fifty-seven homeless of Hong Kong. He will save them with his words!

Glimpses of a Floating World - Larry Harrison
It is 1963. Scandals like the Profumo and Challenor cases are exposing the dark underbelly of post-war Britain, while one of the first teenagers to be addicted to heroin and cocaine undergoes a cold turkey in prison. A poetic and triumphant elegy to a seedy, vice-ridden London of the Sixties.

Songs from the Other Side of the Wall - Dan Holloway.
Sandrine, who has grown up in post-communist Hungary, faces the choice that will shape her future – to stay in the cosmopolitan life of art and music she shares with Bohemian sculptress, Yang; or to return to the rural vineyard her dying father’s family has run for 300 years. She is led on a journey across Europe and cyberspace, accompanied by diaries that appear from nowhere, a talking bull, and an elderly fashion mogul who may be telepathic.

Yet More Lists... Tag some folk see what happens!

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 16:46:00 +0000

It's All About You
01. Name: SJ
02. Nickname: SJ or Mocky
03. Age: somewhere in the middle
04. Location: Surrey dweller....... just outside London
05. Gender: female
06. Tattoo/Piercings?: no tats, too permanent, one hole in each ear (that was bad enough, they went all yucky)
07. Dream Job: Writer
08. Words that describe you best: temperamental, fiesty, inclined to procrastinate,
09. Eye Colour: green
10. Pets: Dan the dog
11. Are there any words you can't say outloud? yes, and they're not suitable for printing here either
12. How laid back are you? can be very, depends on my mood.
13. Do you procrastinate? How much? Of course, sometimes for a very long time
14. How many pillows do you have on your bed? One
15. Have you ever stayed in hospital? No.
16. Which song describes you best? The one that breaks my heart is Think Twice
17. Do you have/want children? It was the dearest wish of my heart, but I'm 44, think that ship has sailed.
18. Do you believe in Father Christmas? Nah

First thing you...
01. Do in a morning:
02. Wash in the shower/bath: shower
03. Do when you get into bed: write
04. Do when you get into a car: plug in all my stuff
05. Do/Did at school/work: input a million forms, check a million letters, post them off
06. Do when you get home after a long day: Make myself a drink
07. Do when you go on the computer: Check all my various fora and email accounts
08. Touch in the morning: my dog

Favourites
01. Television show: NCIS and The Bill
02. Character from that show: Abbey (NCIS) & Stuart (TB)
03. TV Actor: Doug Rao
04. TV Actress: Pauley Perrette
05. Singer/Band: Toby Keith and The Beautiful South
06. Song: As Good as I once was & One Last Love Song
07. Food: Sushi
08. Colour: purple
09. Season: Autumn
10. Day of the week: Monday
11. Subject at school: History of Art
12. Film: Casablanca
13. Film Actor: Humphrey Bogart (no one's ever matched Bogie)
14. Film Actress: Bette Davis
15. Book: If I'm reading it, To Kill A Mockingbird... Writing it? Fatal Diversion, my first collaboration
16. Author: Douglas Adams, Janet Evanovich, Preston/Child
17. Soap: don't watch 'em, but if you're referring to the bath variety, the citrus imperial leather.....
18. Cheese: Jarlsberg
19. Smell: Lavender
20. Taste: Savoury

What/who was the last thing you...?
01. Ate: Piece of Pizza
02. Drank: water
03. Watched: The Mummy
04. Read: The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul (I love a bit of improbability)
05. Laughed at: the dog
06. Shouted at: the mother
07. Talked to: my mates
08. Hugged: my best friend
09. Bought: Blink on DVD
10. Threw away: pizza box
11. Said: NO.............NO........... What part of NO is unclear?.............No...........Oh allright, yes then!
12. Smelt: Okay that does it, heavens to betsy, what the devil did you just eat??? (to the dog)
13. Thought about: I'm too old to tell you, and you are far too young to know.....
14. Wished you were doing: See question 13
15. Missed: Being in love......

Decisions, Decisions...
01. Blanket or Stuffed Animal? cuddly toy every time
02. Summer or Winter? Summer
03. Coca Cola or Pepsi? Pepsi
04. Salt and Vinegar or Cheese And Onion? Cheese and Onion
05. Lefty or Righty? Right handed
06. Gold or Silver? both
07. Love or friendship? both, they're indivisible.
09. Fish or Chips? Fish
10. Busy or Lazy? Busy

Misc...
01. What do you want to be when you're older? I'm going to get older???
02. Are you looking forward to anything? Yes, but whether it will ever happen is another matter
03. What are your pet hates? IGNORANCE, it should be a hanging offence......
04. What is your most embarrassing moment? A bus in Italy, a huge elderly man, his big sweaty paw on my knee, his other hand making adjustments to the front of his trousers, more than that I am not prepared to reveal.
05. Is the glass half empty or half full? Half full of course
06. Do you regret anything? Je ne regrete rien
07. Do you have any posters? Yes
08. Which chat show host would you love to be interviewed by? None of them. Tho I would like to get that Jeremy Kyle bloke........ vengeance for all the sad losers he's paraded across the screen for the baying crowd's entertainment...... just what kind of person is he??
09. Would you like to be famous? No
10. Would you prefer to be rich or in love with 'the one'? LOVE. Money will not keep you warm and loved at night.

Questions and Answers..... and very long lists

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 19:58:00 +0000

The current wheeze on Facebook is lists. Whether they're one word answers, or facts about yourself, or just amusing stuff that you make up in desperation, it's fascinating learning more about one's mates. So far all my lists have been absolutely true... even if I am trying to put an amusing spin on it all.

So in the spirit of list making, here's my list to cover all eventualities:

1) Yes, I honestly do have six first names. No, I am not particularly happy about it, but there you go...
2) My mother and I have a volatile relationship. We frequently shout at each other. This is normal service, so please don't be alarmed.
3) I have a passion for museums. Particularly, the British Museum and the V&A. I've been a member of the V&A on and off for about twelve years.
4) My museum addiction means that a holiday without museums is complete torture to me. Heaven to me is museum shaped...
5) I have a peculiar relationship to food. I am constitutionally incapable of coping with MaccyDs anymore. Japanese, Italian or Indian are my poisons of choice.
6) I have a fairly peculiar relationship to alcohol. Champagne, rum or Jack Daniels. That's y'lot. (or my lot... depending on how you look at it!).
7) I am quite fond of rodents, I have bred mice, hamsters, rats and gerbils at one time or another.
8) I am not scared of snakes or spiders. I am however well aware that certain members of both species are dangerous to humans. I therefore choose to avoid all specimens of both. Just in case.
9) I have one hole in each ear. Piercing was not a particularly happy experience for me. So one hole in each ear is my lot.
10) I have all my own teeth. I brush them quite obsessively a minimum of three times a day. They may not be bright white, but they're strong and have never let me down.
11) I used to have a caravan. I love camping but unfortunately, I associate the caravan with some fairly unpleasant experiences. So I don't love caravans.
12) I love my tent. Perhaps not wisely, but too well. I am ye original hippy chick...
13) I speak three languages, other than English, quite badly. They improve mightily when I'm in the country where they are spoken. My goal now is to learn Japanese.
14) I love my pets. Sometimes far too well. My dog, Danny, takes advantage of this.
15) I had an excellent relationship with my father. He taught me a few things, how to wire a plug, change a fanbelt etc. Possibly because he knew my mother was a total dunce at it.
16) I never completed my first degree. Until relatively recently this didn't seem to matter, and I don't regret dropping out in the slightest. But now is the time for a change.
17) I am passionately fond of Italy. Whoever actually said "Italy isn't a country, it's an emotion" was perfectly correct. Even though the North is where all big industry and cool shops are, and it has its own beauty and charm; my favourite part is in the South, starting at Naples and heading down past the Amalfi Coast and Salerno.
18) I'm also passionately fond of water. I lived by the sea for eighteen months and I loved it. I would still be living by the sea if it weren't for certain factors, being perpetually broke would be one of them.
19) I used to live in East London, which was also near to water. It was quite a nerve wracking experience, but worth it; and I still miss it.
20) I am, like my mother, a squirrel. I keep things just in case. This is not to say that I am as bad as my mother is about keeping things: she kept the old and mostly broken television in the study for three and a half years after I bought a brand new one... just in case. Periodically we are living in duplicate. This can be slightly surreal.
21) I love art. Passionately. This does hark back to my museum fetish, but I also occasionally make art. I am a reasonably passable photographer, but I can't paint to save my life.
22) I love our ramshackle garden, even though I am fairly bad at growing things in it. This year I was planning on a few vegetables for starters. Possibly a hen or two. The Good Life it won't be, but as an antidote to the supermarket, might actually be helpful.
23) I bought a book on how to make a yurt and live comfortably in it, because a yurt sounds more comfortable and warmer than a cardboard box. This is my version of forethought and planning.
24) I dislike our governments, since the 1970s, they've proved themselves to be stupid, avaricious and unreliable. There is no need for an underclass, for disaffected dole queue bludgers, for children to be giving birth to children, for an I'm Alright Jack society which favours the obscenely wealthy at the expense of the masses. The result is the mess we're in now.
25) Somewhere in the grand scheme of things life turned out pretty good for me. I've had a lot of luck, I believe passionately in paying some of that luck forward.

A Cautionary, or should that be Corpse-strewn, tale!

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 12:32:00 +0000

Okay. I'm back in, what is for me, familiar and comfortable territory. My latest manuscript has been kicking around in various guises for a lot longer than you know, but until now had not seen the light of day. For various reasons, I held back on pressing the send button. The content for one. It contains a few scenes that have had the effect of scaring the bejazus out of the male test subjects who read it. "Winter" is darker and dirtier than other things I have written, even more so than Half Light (and that can get pretty down and dirty too).

The story revolves around Arabella, a twenty-stone, fiery tempered and individualistic dominatrix in her forties, who finds the remains of one of her clients in the alleyway next to her home. This unfortunate circumstance brings the law and its size twelves to her doorstep, in the person of Jake Turner, a young fast-track DI, who has more than a few problems of his own, not the least his stomach ulcer and his apparently inexplicable attraction to Arabella. Jake struggles to make sense of any of it, whilst dealing with his two hostile sergeants, the ever growing suspicion that he has an enemy within the ranks, and a case load that he can no longer control. His one constant being his unconventional relationship with Bella.

Under the strain, Jake's health breaks down, and he finds himself shuffled sideways into a comfortable country posting. Now living openly with Bella, who's left the life behind, they start to build a new life away from all their troubles. Until the Grey Man Killer turns up on their doorstep, and Jake must face this dangerous enemy and defeat him.

This one's quite personal for me. It deals with issues, some of which I have dealt with my entire life. Body image, control in personal relationships, accepting what we cannot control, fear, death, and running away from our troubles. Though, before anyone asks, Bella is not me. She has elements of me, and some of the things that come out later in the story are feelings I have had and dealt with. The eagle eyed amongst you, especially the ones who know about my "The Bill" addiction and my favourite character, will have picked up on the curious familiarity of Jake's surname. Entirely co-incidental. I used my normal method of surname selection, close my eyes, open the telephone directory, stab downwards with pencil (scream in pain as pencil misses telephone directory and stabs me in leg), open eyes and have a look where pencil landed. This time pencil landed in a batch of Turners. It's fate... honestly!

To facilitate the distribution of A. Winter's Tale around the universe, gathering readers like a sponge soaking up water, I've created a facebook group... hoping that my mates, and possibly their mates too... will join in the party, although "Winter" isn't suitable for the under 18s. Please feel free to join, invite your friends etc. The more, the merrier..!

One foot three inches

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 11:44:00 +0000

Of snow. England grinds to a halt. This is normal. Do not adjust your set. When I was a lot younger, I spent an unreal amount of time trying to work out exactly why this should be... but now, put it down to the marvellous British habit of muddling through. Heaven forfend that we should have a plan, and that plan should be put into smooth operation with immediate effect. Nah. Much more fun if you trust to serendipity... or that old favourite. Do nothing.

It's a good thing that I have food in the house. Because I am not going to try and hike into town. That all sounds like far too much hard work.

I am not a cold weather person. I prefer summer. I like warmth, and sun, and pretty flowers... stuff like that. Not cold, grey/white... and not a flower in sight.

Speaking of hard work. Authonomy. I have to admit that my enthusiasm has been flagging of late. Every now and again I get another little burst. But the now and the again are getting further and further apart. Hassle much? If you don't spend every waking hour Authonomising, some one else will and you fall off the ED. Temper much? Scratchy in the forums... wise to avoid if possible. Though this scratchiness has been almost exclusively male. Proving beyond reasonable doubt that man's place is in the armoury! (or that's where "he" would like it to be!). And the prize... is it honestly worth winning?

Not meaning to be funny, or rude, but some of those crits? Jeez. If the Editor's Cat, Mittens, knocked it up on the ancient battleship of a typewriter that's been stuck in the office since 1950, I wouldn't be surprised. So you stay up until one in the morning seven days a week, plugging and spamming until you meet yourself coming back, for that?? Nah. There has to be a better way.

Garalt Canton's "The Fifth Kingdom"

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 17:50:00 +0000

The first time I read this I knew that this project was going to be huge. The book has a dramatic sweep which boggles the mind. There is nothing small about this idea. As Gary himself says I am developing a project that will have the same impact upon the literary, gaming and online markets as The Harry Potter Series.

The Fifth Kingdom goes live at Easter 2009. You heard it here first.... for sneak previews head to Authonomy: The Fifth Kingdom.

Marcus Trefoil and the Tea Cosy of Doom

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 13:16:00 +0000

or "I'm Puce With Envy". Not only is this the funniest thing I have read in years (mental note to self, the consumption of beverages is incompatible with the reading of side splittingly funny books), as the shower of coffee that hit my laptop screen will testify, but it's genius is the plug has seen it rise 1941 places in two days with 36 bookshelves to its credit, a plug which began before it even appeared on our screens. Abu, my old china... you've cracked it. You've found the key to the kingdom.

Now you would have thought that a book written solely as an extremely ingenious way to plug another book, might just be a sort of half cocked attempt at humour, and promptly remain in the doldrums at the bottom of the pile. Not a bit of it. Markie is one of the funniest things I have ever read.... never mind that opening statement.... it's also beautifully and incisively observed. People have read out of curiosity and backed out of sheer unadulterated admiration (and perhaps a little carpet biting envy!).

If you don't believe me, follow the link, Marcus Trefoil and the Tea Cosy of Doom, taking care to put all beverages out of harm's way. You won't be disappointed. Exhausted, and with a curious ache in the region of your stomach muscles perhaps.

POD...The New Year's Shock Email

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 11:20:00 +0000

I've got very mixed feelings about this. I received the email from Authonomy as part of an exclusive crowd of approximately a couple of thousand. Some are angry, some are excited, me? I'm confused.

On one hand, a most attractive offer, it has HC behind it (as the owners of Authonomy), it offers you the chance to get into print (and isn't that what we all really want?). On the other hand, POD takes you book out of the running to get it in the hands of someone who might want to publish it in a conventional way.

Then there's the question of who will buy. Who will buy? Auth is mostly composed of other writers. So, other writers, friends, family and who else?? I would like to think that a few complete strangers who have never put pen to paper in the cause of writing a book would like to buy mine, and read it, may be release it into the wild to allow other complete strangers to enjoy it.

But.... this little voice keeps whispering in my ear.... you could get published in a month or so... quite seductive that little voice!

I'm going to stick to the game plan. Almost certainly. I've been too good at dilly-dallying and taking the wrong path before. I want my shot at a contract, and even if I have a pile of rejection slips at the end of it, I will have taken my best shot first.

Christmas (Dog's) Dinner

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 11:46:00 +0000

Now those who know me, know only too well that cooking is not my forte. It just isn't. There isn't any particular explanation for it, other than however many programmes on the subject I watch, I never seem to get any better at it. But Christmas dinner presents a whole new disaster all its own.

Rome was not burnt in a day.... and it taketh time to burn ye joint!

Of course, Dan is one of the other little unexpected hazards of Christmas day. He gets up to all his usual tricks, and then a few you haven't previously thought of. He nearly had the turkey. Twice. There is nothing he will not nick. Yes, the Brussel sprouts are just as at risk as the turkey, though being a meat eater, obviously the turkey and assorted trimmings are his primary objective. Whatever I do, a long(ish) white muzzle with some cute ginger speckles and a damp black boot button on top is by my side. Permanently raised, the black boot button has developed this most expressive quiver. He's got it down to a fine art, the boot button quivers, the whiskers twitch, the ears go back, and he makes food face at me. And he can keep this up for hours.

Now where does it say in any receipe that you need to watch out for the dog being cute....?

Christmas TV ....."The Bill" and other ramblings...

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 13:33:00 +0000

Okay. I admit it... The way me and my parent survive each other, especially over Christmas, is the television. Unfortunately, my sky box went walkabout about the same time as my former husband did... nil desperandum... we have four and a half channels to play with! I say half, because channel five is more of a radio station gained... we still have problems with picture.

Which leads me neatly (as ever) to the subject of entertainment. It is curious what tv producers, tv companies and tv channels view as Christmas entertainment. I'm seriously wondering which member of the brains trust came up with a storyline in which the bridegroom is run down by a vengeful van driver, and dies in the arms of his bride. Yikes.... luvverly... (so glad I don't watch that stuff).

Being stuck with four and a half channels, you learn to really appreciate the absolutely fantastic stuff when it comes along. The Bill Christmas Special for instance. The Bill has been around for twenty five years, which is some kind of pedigree and the Christmas episodes were promised to be something special.

They delivered. In a big way. Now I've been watching this show since the very first pilot Woodentop, and a few times over the years I've been left wondering if The Bill had finally jumped the shark. The answer on the last four episodes showing is an emphatic NO! Even the write ups in the tv listings agreed... this was fantastic stuff... although, the crack about Stuart looking like a startled chipmunk is an image that I haven't been able to shake for a week - Thanks, Radio Times!!

Santa's Little Helper and the three parter, Too Hot to Handle had the lot, drugs, guns, mayhem, motorbikes, a sexy bad boy in leathers... and Stuart and Stevie! Now DS Stuart Turner (Doug Rao) has gained somewhat of a reputation for being a bit of a metrosexual glory boy who thinks he's Mr Supercool and is about as deep as clingfilm, whereas DC Stevie Moss (Lucy Speed) has become the girl that everyone wants as their best friend, sparky, funny, scatty, apparently an open book, and I won't go too deeply into what the fanship thinks.....

So in theory, you know how they're going to react.... right? From the moment that Stevie goes back undercover to resume her relationship with bad boy Rob Towler, the whole operation starts to go into meltdown, and there's that nice helpful Geordie cop who travels all the way down from Manchester just to help them with their little crisis, only from the minute he arrives, things get worse.... not better!

Stuart, far from trying to cover his own backside in spectacular fashion, goes on a one man mission to save Stevie from he's not sure what, he's gonna save the girl if it toasts his own career doing it, because she saved him once and he owes her! Stevie's torn two ways at once, she's a copper, but she has deep feelings for the bad boy... especially when she finds out that he went to prison for something that he didn't do. The romantics amongst us loved every second of all that.

The two concluding parts are told from two separate points of view, Stuart's aspect and then Stevie's, and we get to see how each step of the puzzle fits together. With outstanding performances from Doug and Lucy, and the guest stars Bill Ward and Michael Hodgson, and fantastic support from DCI Jack Meadows (Simon Rouse), DI Neil Manson (Andrew Lancel), DC Jo Masters (Sally Rogers) who have all achieved legendary status amongst the fans, and not forgetting DC Grace Dasari (Amita Dhiri) and TDC Will Fletcher (Gary Lucy).... these four episodes delivered on everything, tension, story, acting, the lot...proving that The Bill has got its mojo back...and even if flashback is a slightly cheesy device, if that's the quality you can deliver, we want more of it. Trust me, a small deluge of fanfic and increased interest in TB can only result!

Anyway... no more TB until New Year's Eve....*sniffs*... leaving me just the joys of Midsomer Murders (Causten must be the safest market town in the UK... no one dies if they live in Causten) and Dr Who, plus my sizeable collection of DVDs to get through until then.

So the theory is, that I will roll up my sleeves and dig into all the writing and editing that I've been carefully and cheerfully avoiding doing. My time on Authonomy is going to be limited going forward. I will do as I have said, update my chapters of Cats, Custard and Consequences, possibly take down Half Light, certainly work on it. Work on my short story, work on Domina (heaven alone knows where that one is going to go!?) and generally do a bit of grooming and de-frag this old battleship of a laptop because it gets slower every day.

Authonomy has been an amazing, and for the most part, fun ride, where I have met some truly amazing, talented, and thoroughly wonderful people. It has enriched my life and friendship circle, but not done (I suspect) a whole lot for my dream of getting published. I've learnt a lot though. Not the least that trolls do exist... you will meet quite a lot of them in Authonomy, while some of them may actually just be yanking your chain, some of them have missed the essential truism, that in there they are just like all the rest of us, wannabes stalking that coveted top five slot for the Editors' Desk. Anyway, Richard, Simon, Simon, MM, Abu, Ali, Kate, Gina, Gillian, Oli, Alexander, Cutley, Jobo, Sian, Sharon, PJ, Dave, Ed, April, Heikki, Annia, Jak, Lexi, AJ, Hannah, Corinna, Philip, Merlin, William, Alice, Bigfoot, Kylyra, Bob, Diane, Lauri, KR, Kimberley, Windy, Gar, Robb, Katrina, Liam, Patty, MacDibble, Colt, Jase, Amethyst, Miranda, Sandrine, Ginger and Shark Bait (in no particular order).. I salute you all .... for making my time on Auth worthwhile, and laughing at my ms and not just at my punctuation.... and for giving me fantastic books to read, be wowed by and generally fall in love with.

And I shouldn't forget my friends in all this, especially the ones who have stuck by my torrent of writing and given me the necessary push to stick my head above the parapet and do something about the dream instead of just moaning about it. So cheers and lurrvvvve to Pam, Danielle, Sofia, Laura M, Lucy, Alan, and special hugs to my mate Tash, who is as talented as she is loveable... all of you are amazing and I love all of you to bits.... spesh my little muse.... and my twin goddesses of wickedness... and Christopher, Pauli, Sheila and Timmi! Then there are the wonderful published ladies, Lorelei, Philippa, Julie, Nell, Catherine and Rosie...

So Merry Christmas to you all... I love all of you guys.... and now I'm gushing mostly because I started writing this at midnight and it's now two a.m.

Cake, Custard and Cowpats

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 13:17:00 +0000

No, this is not a new cookbook by the superb Mr. Fearnley-Whittingstall (though I would buy it if he wrote it). Instead, it is a user's guide to these three essential ingredients of comedy.

The cake is brought to you, rather squishily since he appears to keep it in his pockets, by the erudite and cultivated Mr. Anthony Saunders, who I sincerely hope has not been eaten by his dog. (Post updated to confirm that Anthony is safe and well. Just as well, really. I knew a lurcher who once took down a deer and was snacking off it for days, unbeknownst to its owner, during which time the farmer, unbeknownst to the dog, sprayed the entire field including the deer with a substance that was not intended to be kind to the outsides of deer or the insides of lurchers.)

The custard is courtesy of the charming Ms. S. J. Heckscher-Mockingbird (no relation, to my knowledge, of the aforementioned Mr. Fearnley-Whittingstall, despite the understandable confusion between their names). Its protagonist is, I fear, just the sort of dignity-free zone who would keep cake in his pockets.

The cowpat is even more distinguished than those which adorn Mr. Fearnley-Whittingstall's fields, supplied to us as it is by my esteemed celestial correspondent St. Eustace.

A little-known fact about St. Eustace, as recorded on his Wikipedia entry, is that he is one of the patron saints of Madrid. Keefie, Paul, Hannah and any other expats out there in Spain - I recommend you read your patron saint's offering without delay, lest he smite you with a thunderbolt (or worse still, with a cowpat). Another little-known fact recorded in the same place is that St. E. is "completely fabulous". The same could be applied to all three of these books.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This intriguing public service broadcast has been brought to you by Mr Abu El Banat... who forms part of a select coterie of esteemed persons on Authonomy.... he's a Reader... (bless you love....), and was simply too good to miss!

Besides what would Christmas be without a cowpat or two....

The Art of Ninja Plugging....

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 20:29:00 +0000

or please read my book again....Cats, Custard and Consequences, contrary to some people's belief, this isn't a recipe, it's a romantic comedy. Half Light on the other hand is a romantic crime thriller....freshly updated, I put up Chapter Six only yesterday. It's still a rough cut, but we're getting there.

While I'm at it, I very much would like to recommend Annia's Fish Tail Mountain, Heikki's Tulagi Hotel and Shah's Haggis, An unusual name for a cat, all three are wonderful and well worth your attention.

If you have children and would like something for the holidays, Little Mr Poonlop's Seventh Holiday might just tickle your fancy... Dai has even created a website where you can download it, print it off, fill it with your own illustrations.... Now there's service for you.

Of Honest Fame... now if you're an Alexander Kent girl like me (or even a Bernard Cornwell girl)..... Of Honest Fame ticks all those tight breeches' fantasy boxes.... I've always had a big jones for historical adventure and this one is it, or try The Fifth Kingdom for another strong historical literary fiction that breaks boundaries....

Ali's beautiful and romantic, The Girl On The Swing is equally unmissable. If you've got children, or know someone who has, the newest self help manual, with a dose of reality and humour on the side, Ed's Playstations and Pooh is hard to beat. If the children are a bit older...Simon has it all sewn up with Kip Doodle and the Armchair of Lost Dreams, remember, you saw it here first...!

The "Awwww Cutie" Factor

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 10:59:00 +0000

Like the X Factor.... only so much better! For a start, the X Factor allegedly relies on talent, and the votes of the Great British Public.

When it comes to books, I rely on making people laugh and the winsome cuddliness of my Danny Dog!

For instance, my avatar in Authonomy is a perfectly lit, atmospheric shot of me and my Danny Dog, I am partially in shadow, while filtered sunlight bathes his adorable furry person, and unfeasibly large ears in a soft hued golden glow of AWWWWWW CUTIE-ness. His bright furred innocence and general loveableness shines brightly out from the centre of the picture, thus generally enhancing my own, more questionable, cute credentials.

Of course, appearances are deceiving. Danny is now four (he was about ten months in that shot), the trail of stuff that he has chewed and destroyed, the curtain rails that he has broken (he swings from the curtains), the couch and chairs that he has laid on.... amount to a trail of damage costing hundreds.

But everyone loves Danny. As an ambassador for dog-hood, he can't be beaten, everyone's his friend, he always wants to play, and he has mastered a range of appealing expressions that make you believe in every little nuance of it. That he is a shameless ham who is fond of pinching your dinner off the plate, will quite happily rifle through your pockets in search of some abandoned something (usually sweets, he's very partial to Softmints in particular!) and thinks absolutely nothing of making cheese face to enduce you to giving up that final treasured bit of brie that you have been hoarding to put on your crackers, makes no never mind.

He's a cocky little devil too (to the extent that I almost considered re-christening him, Stuart). And not adverse to the odd gallivant. A while back, when I was having a new disk cut for his collar, it occurred to me that it might just be useful to put my mobile number on it, just in case. Officially, he is my mother's dog.... but since he is strong enough to fly her like a kite from the end of his lead..... well..... Anyway, the point being, that if she was out wandering around looking for his disobedient little hide, there wouldn't be anyone there to answer the phone. So one morning, I get a ring.... "We've got your dog." Oh. Would you mind taking him back, awfully, because you see I live in East London, and he lives in Leatherhead..... my mother will be most glad to see him.

At least Dan's gallivanting is in the pure spirit of adventure and friend seeking. Years ago, when I was a very small (ahem!) child, my parents bought me a Sealyham terrier as a pet. Which is a little like giving your child a sabre tooth tiger as a pet... but....

Rudi (after the Prince who shot himself and his mistress at Mayerling...don't ask.... you really don't want to know) was a wencher. And a dustbinner. But mostly a wencher. He could get through a knothole in the fence. And it was my job to go and get him back, as we both grew older. By the time I reached sixteen and he was thirteen the joke was starting to wear a little thin. Because he only ever got out at night. I used to pull on my wellies, and my old duffle coat over my nightgown and go hunting for the little devil by torchlight. At two in the morning.

One early morning, when I was feeling old, crabby and really p****d at the world, I found the little horror, forelegs wrapped around the least attractive and least virtuous bitch I have ever seen. He saw me, let go, she scurried away, and he came galloping down the road. Both his ears were flapped inside out, his tongue was hanging all the way out the side of his mouth, his eyes were rolling wildly.... "GET IN THE HOUSE YOU DIRTY LITTLE ****" I screamed at him as he shot past me. Did my disapproval have any effect.... heck as like..... he continued pushing off after the ladies and the contents of next door's dustbin until about the week before he died, aged 20, from presumably a surfeit of roast dinner carcasses and nookie!

So, for all Danny's trail of destruction, his behaviour is easier to deal with, and there won't be anymore embarrassing scenes involving angry dog owners either!

Talent...... and the spotting of it......

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 10:47:00 +0000

This question arose when a friend changed his status from single to blank. Whereupon half the world swooped to either burst into tears or make remarks on the subject, I replied to one of those remarks, and the question of talent came up.... don't ask how... because I'm honestly not sure myself.

Anyway. My qualifications for spotting theatrical talent. First of all, I am the daughter of an actress, so I have been hip deep in board treaders since I was in nappies (apologies for that rather nasty mental image!). Secondly, I have been able to tell a good from a bad theatrical performance since I was old enough to know that a stage wasn't only something that the sheriff rode into town on. When you have seen as much ham and cheese as I have, you are completely riveted by good performances even if they be in the humblest of productions. And... I've lived my entire life surrounded by it, I can tell real life from performance.... I really do know a thing or six about performance art!!

All of which leads me neatly to the question of my own talent spotter status on Authonomy. Your talent spotter status soars or falls by the bookshelves you make, how long each book reposes there on your shelf and a host of other factors including how many people agree with your choice of books. It's about literature, which is a static, yet still performing, art.

My choice of books relies on a very simple formula. Would I buy said book in print? If the answer is yes, on my shelf it goes. So if I say read and back Kip Doodle and the Armchair of Lost Dreams for instance, that is because I would go out and buy it. Similarly, Tettig's Jewels is a book which appeals to both the romantic and the ghoul in me.... at once..... both are on my bookshelf, along with Annia's Fish Tail Mountain and Heikki's Tulagi Hotel and Shahan's riotously funny and very poignant The Great Armenian Novel, those of us with a semitic background recognise the mother instantly.....

That said, I base my opinion on what I like to read. The one thing that has really irritated me of late, is that people seem to treat this as a literary circle. Authonomy is a site provided by a business, and that business is dedicated to publishing books and making money. Literary love ins are not required. However, if you do go in for all that nitpicking and fault finding, please take the trouble to actually read the book first.

So I am going to take the opportunity to recommend, because it was one of the first books that I found on Authonomy, and I have returned many times (as is my reading habit) and it is still wonderful and stirring..... Ali's The Girl On The Swing... pop in, have a read..... enjoy!!

Spreading the Literary Scratchings

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 10:23:00 +0000

A little like fertiliser; it occurred to me that if I want to engage a wider audience, I really need to spread my stuff about a bit more, thereby allowing it to grow. Grow what? Well, I'm not exactly all that sure to be honest, but it seemed like a plan at the time. At 2am, and I've been watching Dog Soldiers, and occasionally peering under the bed. Just in case. Not that I'm paranoid. Not really.

So in a grandiose and somewhat misguided plan to attempt to appear as though I do know what I am doing, I have managed somehow to link this blog in with my Facebook page, so that the sixty-six lovely and unfortunate people who have risked their nerves and sanity on befriending me will have to look no further to know what I'm up to. It helps, especially if you are paranoid. If you know where I am and what I am up to, you then needn't panic, I am not going to come sneaking up behind you and pounce. Not that I do, pounce that is, or sneak. I'm not built for sneaking.

I also decided to expose myself....(please don't all panic at once).... to the ridicule and derision of others by admitting openly that I occasionally write fanfic. Nay, not just admit to it, using the notes system on Facebook to actually run some of it, the bits I am quite proud of, up the flagpole and wave it about a bit. Quite a lot of it (okay, most of it) is The Bill fanfic, and quite a lot of it (actually, all the stuff that I am likely to post up here) features DC Jo Masters and DS Stuart Turner..... because they are my favourite characters.... they go great together, very much like ham and eggs, or peach and cobbler (played to perfection by the utterly incomparable and irreplaceable, Sally Rogers and Doug Rao), and it does somewhat burn me that poor old Stuey continues to get a bad press for daring to have a relationship with the lovely Samantha, whom all the world (apparently) wanted to go off with the serial womanizer, Phil. The fact that she would have been a lot safer with Stuey makes no never mind in their heads, so poor Stuey continues to get it in the neck.

For those of you who know about and have read some of the TB shower scene stuff, that is extremely unlikely to make it into the notes, so those of you who were hoping for fireworks, sorry I am not that brave. That unlikely pairing will remain under wraps for time being, even if the slash does write itself.

I posted up one offering this morning, L-O-V-E, soppy stuff suggested by the lyrics of the song, and prior to that, Heroin(e) and Mr Jordan, which nods at a very old classic Here Comes Mr Jordan, and speculates on what might have happened in the middle of Blood Rush... (two parter in TB). Dive in, have a read.... and let me know what you think. Neither require a particular knowledge of either the episodes or even the show itself. So enjoy!

Zen and the Kitchen Cupboard

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 14:07:00 +0000

Today I took a chance and entered a place that only the brave dare risk.... the kitchen cupboards. For those of you who do not believe in Black Magic and the dark arts, trust me, it exists; I found a box of it stashed away at the back, all covered in dust and with a sell by date of some time in 1998, I was quite surprised that it hadn't walked out on its own. My mother's kitchen is living proof that the space/time continuum is real.

Aside from the nuts that time forgot..... they've been reposing in the corner of the top shelf since at least 1991, and everyone is too scared to tackle them without a back up plan and an armed response unit; we have the sardines that no one is likely to eat, mainly because they're the ones in tomato sauce which nobody likes, the sixteen partially consumed rice packets of every shape, colour and variety, three forgotten packets of biscuits, twelve tins of miscellaneous food stuffs.... and about three hundred different condiments and sauce bottles, some without labels..... kamikaze sauce tasting..... any takers??

However, these are not the only culinary horrors that lurk in my mother's repertoire.... there is the dreaded dusty cupboard with Dad's collection of liquers..... I should perhaps point out that my father passed on over thirty years ago, and prior to that he had very little to do with the liquer cabinet, so you do have to bear in mind that some of them have been there since approximately 1960.... Mercifully, time is a great healer, my mother has, mostly, now forgotten about them. So male guests can heave a huge sigh of relief that they won't be required to tackle a particularly soupy Tia Maria, or a rather pungent cherry brandy, or worst of the lot, the Drambuie, which I promise you is older than I am!

I have been serruptitiously throwing these things out.... It would be a lot quicker and easier if I just hired a skip.... or even a succession of them.

Unreasonably Excited

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 12:30:00 +0000

by my curious success in the art of the ninja mockingbird plug.... thought I would stick up some more of my work in my notes on Facebook and see what folk think.... so be prepared for a minor flood of short stories and fanfic stuff over the next few weeks. As I've said before, Fanfic is one of the places I do my thinking, and bench testing of occasional ideas.

Garalt has given me a new target for some of my writing (thanks mate...) which is all well and good, because quite aside from being the Queen of Starting and Never Quite Finishing, I am also the Queen of Procrastination.... so Easter 2009 gives me a good head start for actually finishing stuff.

I have sort of decided that Cats, Custard and Consequences, The Siren's Guide to Sushi and the barely started Split Screen will probably be my focus for Easter 2009. Mainly because Cats and Siren are the furthest advanced (other than Half Light) and Split Screen has a slightly different purpose. Split Screen I need to write fully, because I intend developing it in two directions, firstly as a novel, and secondly as a television film script..... Ambitious? Well why not? Dream big.... it's always best to dream big!

And finally, I would like to thank the Quintet of Ladies who have been very encouraging and extremely helpful in my attempts to get published! Pam, Danielle, Sofia, Tashya and Laura, you've all been total stars!! Fanks!!!

The Ninja Mockingbird

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 11:16:00 +0000

Or the Sneaky Art of Shameless Plugging. I am quite shameless in this endeavour, two months reposing reasonably (for me) quietly on Authonomy has shown me that the art of being a shameless tart is not one to be frowned upon. In fact, it's one to be revered.... even envied. The Three Wise Men of Authonomy (there, that's my concession to Christmas taken care of!), Simon, Alexander and Richard reached new heights of shameless abandonment, they varied from the crafty to the blatant and every shade in between. Simon's style was the neat hook, Alexander's the pithy repost, and Richard's was to be as crystal clear as possible. The sheer volume and ingenuity of Simon's plugs are an art work in themselves..... In fact when this is all over, I think he should bring out a book of his shameless plugs...... advertising could learn a lot from his approach.

Of course, my books would be all at sea without the killer cover...... And I can claim absolutely no responsibility for either of them, Cats, Custard and Consequences was beautifully designed by a young lady entitling herself Will Fletcher Fan..... (bless you hunny), Half Light comes courtesy of Doug Rao (mate, you are a true gent!) who has a great eye for a good pic...

Strangely enough, Pix lead me neatly to another of my heroes, Garalt Canton, and his incredible book, The Fifth Kingdom, Gar is also a more than usually talented artist... (the sin of envy... moi??).

If word pictures grab your fancy, and you need a good giggle, may I also recommend Edmund Farrow. Ed has brought whole new meanings to the word Housedad and quite restored my faith in the whole idea along the way.

I could not possibly forget Shah's Haggis, an unusual name for a cat and Gina's Escaping Reality along the way, especially as the sneaky art of plugging has now escaped the bounds and is infesting the whole universe.

Of course for lovers of flying kites, and idling your life away by the pool, I could not possibly miss out on Annia or Heikki whose support and encouragement have been wonderful and whose books are pretty darned wonderful too!!

That's it for this public service broadcast..... Enjoy!!

Half Light and Sex

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 13:06:00 +0000

Well, that probably grabbed your attention, didn't it? There is more than one sex scene in Half Light..... this is after all, a gay romantic crime thriller, where the boys get together in steamy passionate love on more than one occasion. In fact, there is a case that Dom uses sex to distract Si from some of the devious stuff that is going on in the background.

But...... and it's a big but...... there are three distinct sex scenes, which I hoped would be sufficiently different from one another, and sufficiently steamy, without straying into the area of pornography. Unfortunately, it appears that my idea of steamy and sexy is about the same as a maiden Victorian aunt who feels overcome at the sight of an uncovered table leg.

I'm not a prude..... far from.... as those who know me well can certainly say, but how to make the whole thing steamy and sexy without being either repetitious or revolting? That is the question.

Which is probably why I was still writing at three am...... and why I now feel tired, mildly ratty and somewhat sex obsessed, and possibly also explains why I have actually come out in public and admitted that I write impossibly over melodramatic fanfiction (usually at three in the morning as well) and actually posted some of it up on my facebook page....

I should probably apologise to "The Bill" for this incredible liberty with their characters, but it helps me think, and sometimes helps me sleep too (long story)....... so you see it is all in a good cause.

On the subject of sleeping, watching Dog Soldiers at three thirty am isn't conducive to sleep, you tend to want to check under the bed (just in case).

I do actually have a target deadline for all this stuff to actually come together into something that is recognisable as a book, possibly three. There is a Book Fair in Montolieu..... I see it as an opportunity to lay my work on the line and come up with three complete manuscripts by 10-13 April 2009. So I suspect there are a few more sleepless nights, and slightly incoherent days to come. Particularly as my dreams and schemes are big this time, one of the books, Split Screen, I intend developing into a tv/film script.....

And why not?

Little point in dreaming small!

Advertising..... or what to do with those bits in between your favourite tv programmes

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 10:25:00 +0000

I finally got over my sudden desire to write something else.... carefully quelled it and put it aside for future use (I even printed it off so I could have it in view, in the hope of appeasing the gods and having it stop mugging me at every opportunity). So I cracked on with Chapters four and five of Half Light, and they are now reposing, in uneasy asymmetry, with Chapters One to Three (inclusive), in the vague hope that someone will read them and like them enough to start some serious voting on this thing.

Of course, in the meantime, Richard, who wowed us all with Bee Bones, has unveiled Tettig's Jewels. Tettig is a masterpiece. I mean, Bee Bones was a masterpiece, but Tettig is a Master-piece. Hmmm. Raises the bar even higher. I am now starting to wonder whether leaping the bar is my object, or merely limbo-dancing under it. Of course, if I wait long enough I should be able to sneak under without even bending...... seeing as I am reasonably short.

All of this veered me round in a sort of lumpy circle to the subject of advertising. Now I don't like advertising..... some advertisements make me shout and want to throw things at the screen. I mean... honestly.... a while back there was an advertisement for a Bank. In which a man bounced up and down on a stationary carousel horse and demanded to know in a slightly falsetto voice where everyone was. What was this supposed to mean..... Our greatest customer is Pee Wee Herman....?? My current bete noire..... that stupid shopping ad in which people turn into fairies...... when did you last see a fairy in Gap..?.... don't answer that!

Okay I hate advertising. In some cases it creeps me out completely. My favourite tv show "The Bill" is currently sponsored by Jeyes/Parazone. There is something deeply disturbing about the way that man is fixated on that toilet...... he's always polishing it lovingly (very creepy), or patting it, or stroking it, or talking to the toilet block (I kid you not) as he drops it in the cistern. Yikes. And the level of inappropriateness attached to all this sanitaryware fondling in between Sun Hill's finest solving burglaries, murders, drugs deals, etc etc is surely self explanatory. I am sure I am not alone in this.

So what is appropriate advertising? How exactly does Joe Public, with limited resources, and only the ingenuity that god gave him(or her) achieve some advertising for his(or her) book? I am talking about books here, because books are something that most directly concerns me. How do I (and by extension, my friends) advertise my book (their books) to attract buyers, or agents, or publishers....... or...... (fill in the blank)?

For instance, my friend Merlin has written a book, it has been edited, honed, polished and printed, it has a website dedicated to it, but it remains largely a bit of a secret. So how do we bring Inner Space to the viewing, reading, buying public? First step has to be to tell people about it. Hence the above clever clicky linky thingy (allow me this tiny moment of html smugness!!! hehehehe).... the next step..?.. well, my devious little mind is still working on that one.

One cunning plan at a time......

Culinary Mishaps.... and other stuff

sarahjmarquis@yahoo.com (Mockingbird) — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 10:23:00 +0000

Last night I assembled the ingredients of dinner, you know chicken, spices, natural yoghurt, creme fraiche, rice, fire extinguisher, alka seltzer, little book of Calm..... and..... suddenly

I actually had an edible dinner...... quite startling really.... I come from a well known line of horrible cooks. My mother is atrocious, my grandmother wasn't so great either (but considerably better than my mother), it's a bit of a wonder that I survived to adulthood. My mother's great sins were over cooking and over seasoning..... I don't like a lot of salt in my food, never did, long before the Government started having a hissy fit over salt in food..... particularly as my mother and grandmother's salting habits meant that pretty much the only flavour you had was salt (bleugh!!).

So, having created this culinary masterpiece, I settled down to edit chapter four of Half Light. But it was no good. The thing that has been beckoning at me for twenty four hours or so, was leaping up and down going "me, me, me". Resistance was futile. I would look at Half Light and Si's conflicted feelings and see double.

So now Split Screen has jumped the queue, and is waiting impatiently just behind Half Light for its chance at the limelight. Feh. Tiresome or what. I had this nice, neat, orderly queue of novels all sitting there, begging quietly to be published...er.... written..... and along comes Split Screen like a teenager at a swimming pool..... no running or bombing allowed.....yeah right!

And the dog's in my chair again!....